Lately, I’ve been stuck in what I can only describe as the void. I am not equipped with a sharp enough vocabulary to accurately describe it but I can try my best.
Imagine everything you loved and enjoyed no longer provided a feeling when engaging with it. Everything I used to enjoy doing no longer provides me with a feeling; positive or negative. Truth be told, it is horrifying. I’ve never experienced this before. I’m in this perpetual state of sadness where everything feels so meaningless. The gym doesn’t make me feel better. My favorite songs don’t sound the same. Food tastes dull and bland. It feels like an impossible and futile task to try and find enjoyment from anything. No matter how big or small. Everytime I try, I always end up feeling the same thing: everything is meaningless.
Baseball should be awesome right!? Well, the Phillies’ first game is this Thursday. I should be bursting with excitement as I have the past 6 years. This year? Nope. I don’t care if I watch it or not. Hell, I wouldn’t flinch if the season was cancelled tomorrow. It’s just whatever, man.
I think my brain knows something is wrong and doing everything it can do to help. The best way I can explain it is I think my brain is trying to regress to a place in time where I felt okay. I was recently in a store and I happened to see a box of Mountain Dew. For an instant, I felt like the teenager that used to love it and had the urge to drink it. I haven’t had that urge in well over 20 years and I barely drink it anymore. It made me think of a post I made to my Livejournal back in the day where I believed Dew helped me get over sickness. After some digging, I found it:
February 13th, 2006:
“Dude so I fell asleep between the last post and now. And I feel great. Im dead serious, my throat is fine. I got up, ordered some chinese food and a dew and now im great. My body is a fucking champ. Im telling you, with me, DEW would cure my cancer. I love it.”
Also, I find myself thinking back to my years spent inside on the computer from 01 to 05. I know, I know — rah rah. I always do that. I get it. However, this time it’s not the same. It’s a deeper yearning. The flashbacks I experience are more intimate. I can smell the room. I can hear the sounds outside. I can feel the heat of the hot summer air radiating through the window screen. My only care in the world being if my buddies were online to send IMs to. Playing games together. Goodness…
I hope there is a light to be found inside of this current vacuum where my brain used to be. It’s truly the worst I’ve ever felt in my life. I used to think I was sad or depressed when in reality I was just being a wimp. I’ll try to hold onto hope that it will get better.